


You were alone left out in the cold

by redlipsredledger



Series: It's such a wonderful life: The misadventures of broken assassins [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Mostly Comics - Fandom, Post-Civil War - Fandom, Semi MCU
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Assassins In Love, Bobbi is confused, Broken Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes is broken, Bucky is sorry, Bucky isn't used to being a boyfriend, Bucky loves Natasha, Clint loves Bobbi, F/M, Fluff, I'm Trash Okay, Nat can't even save herself, Nat isn't used to being a girlfriend, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha wants to save him, Post TWS/Civil War, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Natasha Romanov, Red Room (Marvel), Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve doesn't understand anything, Their past haunts them, are they married though?, broken natasha romanoff, im a sucker for fluff tbh, mostly comics, semi-mcu, there may be some smut, they're too old for this shit, we'll have to see, winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-14 17:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21019505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: I... Can't explain my plot. I'm so sorry heh! Any feedback etc you have is super helpful. If you read through and you liked or didn't like a certain bit, let me know! I don't do this stuff often as my insecurities kill my drive for it but... I would appreciate feedback!A lousy bad summary:Natasha doesn't agree with Bucky being put on ice so she decides to break into the facility to see if she can reach through to him the way she remembers being able to do in the past. If she can remind him he loves her, they can face the rest of the world together. He remembers more than he knows what to do with and she's struggling to hold herself together. None of this was anything close to what she'd expected when she'd come face to face with the love of her life again.He had been trying to kill her that time though... Again. At least until a showdown in an airfield told her that the man she loved was still in there, too. Now she just has to face Steve and tell him she's in love with his assassin best friend, sounds easy right?This is now complete; please check out parts 2, 3 and 4 and let me know what you think so far! 2 is their past, so I'd love some input on things you may wanna see/read!





	1. I'll be there for you through it all

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't really wrote much lately. You can probably tell from this... Feedback pls? -hides-

“Stay.”

She hadn’t even meant to say the word out loud; she was surprised when it slipped from her lips and that provoked her to take a step back.

She dragged her bottom lip into her mouth and worked away at it with her teeth. A part of her wanted to draw blood simply because the all too familiar metal tang would distract her from the pounding in her ears; her heart was racing and her body felt like it no longer belonged to her, she had no control.

Her mind was racing almost as fast as her heart was beating and both felt like they were all too close to snapping, breaking into a thousand little fragments that she’d have no idea how to reassemble if she ever wanted to. Her feet carried her forward and she reached for his hand.

She was never weak; she never showed her emotions like this but it was almost like a part of her had broken. A part of her charade had fallen apart and she had no idea how to put it back together again.

Fuck.

She was never this weak; they’d taught her better. She was composed. She had to be composed.

Still, her body and her training betrayed her as she looked into those bright blue eyes; she could feel the burning of his skin against hers as she entwined her fingers with his.

“Stay.”

She repeated it again, this time it sounded more like a demand than a request.

Her lips stained lightly in blood that she’d drawn when she’d bit it; she ran her tongue along it, the tang of metal hitting her taste buds as she contorted her face for a few seconds to let the taste pass.

“I can’t lose you again.” And lost him indeed she had.

She’d lost him to darkness, to missing years, to a love torn apart by cruelty and she couldn’t stand the thought of that happening all over again.

She had never been weak; she had always been so guarded when it came to her feelings, many assumed that she did not have any at all and that was exactly the way that she had wanted it. They didn’t have to know that she cared. They didn’t have to know the ways that she fell apart when she was alone. They didn’t have to see the aftermath of the monster that they’d created but she did.

He didn’t pull away as she reached for him; everything in her told her that he would. He’d been trained to be just as guarded as she was. They’d been raised in the cold brutality of an institution that should have fallen long before now but there it was and here they stood, remnants of a harsh reality that everyone tried to ignore. They were whatever anyone needed them to be, they could be absolutely anything in the world... Anything but human, apparently, that was never permitted because human wasn’t useful.

Human wasn’t going to pull the trigger and get the job done; human was going to think twice, they were going to hesitate and they were going to have a conscience and that simply was not permitted. They were not allowed to think or feel. Good soldiers followed their orders and when they didn’t, they got punished. It was a well known fact but there was no one there this time. No one to reach out and pull them back, no one to warn them to back off or face the consequences and she could feel the tightness in her chest. It was the first time that they’d been alone in years; she couldn’t stand to watch him go again and she knew it.

She studied those eyes; she studied them like they were the most important thing in the world because to her, they were. She had to know. She had to know which side of him she was dealing with. Her breathing was labored, she felt her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest and she drew a deep breath in as he dropped his head forward causing the mass of brown hair to tumble down and hide his expression from view; this frustrated her. She couldn’t read him, not like this. It was almost like he’d intentionally done it and she blew out a sigh. 

"Stay with me.”

She murmured softly, she’d asked him to stay three times now and he’d remained quiet but she was determined, he should know that much.

It was all down to him, after all. He’d shaped her into who she was today whether he truly intended to or not. He was instrumental in making her the person that she was today and a part of her had no idea whether to thank him for that or whether to hate him for it. He’d created the perfect little machine that she’d become over the years.

But that wasn’t who she was, was it? She had to be different now; she’d walked away from that life and she was living proof that there could be an _‘after’_ if you tried hard enough. She had people on her side, she had people that would take him in and help him... Or at least they wouldn’t treat him like a hostile party that needed to be eliminated, Tony excluded but she felt pretty sure that she could talk him around and make him understand; this was Natasha.

She knew that she could be pretty damn persuasive when she needed to be and even then in hand to hand… No. She shuddered. She wasn’t going to fight her friends; it could never come to that. She could open up for once and expose the dark secrets that lingered inside of her own mind even if it made her physically flinch to think about it. They didn’t know. She’d never told them just how bad she’d gotten before Clint Barton had stepped in and saved her life; Natasha felt a pang of regret then. Clint. She should have told him she was coming out here at the very least... He deserved that much from her. He was her best friend and her partner, after all.

It was almost like he could see that her mind and her attention had wandered elsewhere because he looked up then, his eyes moving keenly over her form and a smile touched his lips as he shook his head. _His Natalia_... She hadn’t changed a bit; she still looked as beautiful and as captivating as ever.

He’d almost forgotten the way her mouth quirked at the edges when she was happy, or the way that her eyes always fell toward her feet when there was something on her mind; he’d almost forgotten the way that she almost always had something she could use as a distraction if she needed it. No one really understood what it was that made her that way, no one except for him anyway. They were alike, her and him. Both humans but... Not, at the same time. They were something different. He released a small sigh and the cold metal hand moved to her cheek as he caressed it carefully.

“I always could tell when there was something on your mind, Natalia.”

The words he spoke were soft and careful, almost like he was testing the waters.

She didn’t move away from his touch nor did she flinch at the feeling of cold metal pressed against what he could only assume was warm skin; sometimes he cursed being able to feel no sensations with his prosthetic; he wanted it replaced. Maybe now he could.

Her eyes moved to meet his. She offered him a small, tentative smile before she let out a short laugh and shook her head; her red curls bounced with the movement and her brilliant green eyes looked sad, it was more than he could take. He could feel his heart breaking in his chest to see her like that and so, Sergeant James Barnes resigned himself to the humanity that he’d long since thought was dead, at least until recently and he reached out to pull her into his arms.

He’d almost forgotten that he was still a person with everything that they’d done to him over the years… Until Steve had found him, until _Her_, until he’d started to remember everything that had happened_._

Everything had changed for him in the last month... She’d gotten him out of his frozen prison and here she stood, as vulnerable as she was when he’d first met her and that, oh the thought of that provoked a reaction from him; he tensed up almost automatically. When they’d first met, they’d both been very different people but their stolen moments had opened humanity in a monsters mind and he had never had the chance to tell her that.

Natasha released a slow breath.

“I never even told anyone I was coming here; I should've had a plan, back-up if I need it, extraction, documentation… I’m flying blind but I couldn't stand the thought of leaving you out here alone; I didn't know what I was walking into but I had to do something.” She explained softly, trying not to make it sound like she was recklessly putting herself in danger because she knew that she was not.

"I know they've promised you it's a safe place but nowhere is safe. Nowhere is safe if they're out there looking for you and I can't risk them finding you before--" well, that didn't need to be explained surely.

Natasha glanced up at him.

"Not again. Never again."

Natasha Romanoff could more than handle herself but even she had to admit that she was going out on a limb; she had no idea if her little thought would even work. She could have been walking to her own death if someone else had sent a team with a far more sinister goal in mind than hers.

“Clint will give me the third degree when I get back to base and I have no idea what the hell Cap is gonna say about me busting you out. He doesn’t think he’s come up with a solution yet but…”

She hesitated then and he caught onto the moment that her demeanor changed; his own became curious.

“But what, Natalia?” Barnes probed the Widow carefully as he drew back slightly so that he could look at her.

He knew that one wrong word, one wrong move in the wrong place could send her guard back up and he’d never get anything out of her.

“I can be that solution. He wants to find something to tether you to your humanity and you once told me that I could hold you in the green zone better than anyone else; when we went Red on missions, I always pulled you back and you always pulled me back. We grounded each other. We held each other in place and reminded each other that out there in the field when the job was done, we could be whoever we wanted until we had to go back; you were the first person that cared about me for me, you were the only person that’s ever looked at me like I was something they couldn’t live without. We could be people. I’ve seen your humanity, James. I’ve seen the side of you that can care and—" _Love… Was that what she wanted to say? _

Natasha sighed again pulling her hand up to race it back through long, unruly curls. She stepped back slightly in a vague attempt to move from his embrace even though all she wanted to do was melt into it.

Getting lost here would be far too easy. She wanted to and she had no doubt that he damn well knew it. She wanted in that moment to get lost in his arms and to forget about the hell that they were going to have to face but that just wasn’t an option. They had to focus. _She_ had to focus. She had to focus on getting him somewhere safe so that they could talk – alone – and then she’d work out what the hell to do from there.

It was probably her best bet given the fact that her mental state wasn’t exactly what one would call stable right now. _I said_ _that I'd help_ _you __find__him, not catch him._ Her own words, she had indeed said that she would help them to find Bucky Barnes but until not long before that, she didn’t realize that she had no intentions of letting them catch him. What was it that made her hesitate? What had changed her stance? Well… That was a damn good question and only one that he could answer for her.

She had taken a stand because something inside of her knew this man. She had taken a stance because deep down in some previously lost part of Natasha, Natalia stirred hopefully. Hadn’t she loved James Barnes once upon a time? Granted, at the time she hadn’t realized what love truly was but then in the life that they lived, it was an evasive thing to pin down. They weren’t allowed to feel love. They weren’t supposed to feel love or anything akin to it and yet she knew that she trusted him more than she did almost anyone else in the world and that unfortunately had not left her, not even after all these years.

“We should go. I can only keep the systems disabled for so long and it’s going to start to get real loud in here real fast.”

That would alert people that she did not want alerting to her plans; she needed time to figure out if she was right.

She needed time to see if what she suspected about him – and about herself – was true.

“Right.” He agreed.

He noted the way that she stepped back and so his tone became somewhat distant; she seemed hesitant around him. It was almost as if she feared him… He shuddered. Could she? _Did _she?


	2. I've never been perfect but neither have you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An overnight heart to heart. I'll see how this goes. Lmao! WIP. I'll finish it <3 This is rambly and long. Omg. I'm sorry! Idek if this is any good and I'm getting really anxious now lmao
> 
> OKAY Chapter complete. 4 should be complete tomorrow. If life permits.

Taking him back to the facility was probably a bad idea and she knew it but it beat the hell out of her apartment; she still needed a safe place to run to if all of this went seriously wrong.

She saw the way that he'd looked at her back there and she was still trying to read him; she hated how hard it was for her now. She hated how she didn't know him the way that she used to. He'd pulled back and became distant again, he'd started to withdraw into himself again and that provoked a sigh from her lips; she entered the code she'd been given by Tony that'd give her unrestricted access which was probably a good thing. She - like everyone else - tended to live here most of the time.

She'd even brought Liho along with her and Lucky had a hell of a good time chasing him around much to the chagrin of Tony who she was sure wished he'd imposed a no pets rule. Clint didn't live here most of the time anyway. He was too stuck in his ways.

And in truth, she only did because it was easier than hauling her ass back home after every goddamn mission, especially when it'd gone bad and she was beat up to shit and needed a half decent infirmary to patch herself up. It wasn't that she sought out the company, she didn't. Natasha was a solitary creature at the best of times but her first aid kit didn't do much for bullet holes. 

"We'll be okay here. Everyone is probably in bed by now anyway and most know better than to come to my rooms and disturb me." A small smirk played on her lips. 

The security cameras were a different matter entirely and she knew it, but she could wipe them easily enough; she was more than proficient at screwing with Tony's computer systems. Not many knew that Natasha could hack as well as she could, but then not many knew just how skilled the spy was. There was far more to her than even her team seemed to understand but she knew it wasn't their fault; Natasha held her secrets close to her.

He studied his new surroundings and he took it all in, apprehensively he'd agreed to coming here but he knew that it wouldn't end well come morning. Steve would - maybe - be glad to see him, but Tony sure as hell wouldn't be. Clint he was pretty sure was on the fence and that seemed to bother Natasha. He could tell that she cared for him and in truth, it made him a little jealous if he even had the right to be. The images that flashed through his mind were all of her and their stolen moments, they were of years wasted and moments in between tortures and torments that brought him some semblance of happiness and so to him, she was still very much _His Natalia. _That hadn't changed, not to him anyway. 

"I don't think so, but I don't really have a choice but to trust you. I sure as hell don't trust anyone else."Steve a little, but Steve would be dumb and put himself in harms way to save him.

Natasha knew better. She'd do all she could to keep him alive but she wouldn't presume that he needed her to take the bullet.

Not like Steve would.

"Ever the optimist." She commented, shrugging her shoulders gently as she padded toward the elevators and hit the button for the 4th floor. 

"I asked you to stay with me. I asked you to stay because I couldn't stand the thought of wasting another decade or two while they threw around anything they could think of before deciding to screw with your mind again. I know what that's like. We both do. We both know what it's like when you're made and unmade over and over again. I don't want you to be unmade. I don't want the only choice we have to be screwing with your head again. This? This is the other way. This is the way I'm taking a chance on."It was up to him whether or not he took a chance on her.

He followed her anyway and as they stepped off of the elevator he watched her shoulders fall; she seemed far more relaxed already. She reached behind him to press a key card against the button. 

"It stops anyone being able to come in here unless I open it again."She explained, not wanting to appear like she was locking him in.

It was something she'd insisted on when Tony had told them all that he'd built them their own places.

Somewhere safe, that was what he'd called it. _Home, _only to her there could be no home without him.

There she was, stood in front of him again and Bucky Barnes watched as she turned to walk away and he reached out to grab her hand; it was more instinct than him making a conscious decision but she stopped anyway and turned back to look at him. 

"1947, Tokyo."Two words, two words that brought a small smirk to her lips. She remembered that all too well.

"My birthday."She replied as she looked up at him. 

"Our first date."He corrected her playfully.

It was the first time that she'd started to see a part of him shine through. She remembered the mission all too well; they'd been sent to take out a businessman who'd opposed someone he most definitely shouldn't have, but James had found out it had been over Natasha's birthday and he'd decided to draw it out when he could have taken the shot easily; she'd gotten their target where they wanted him but he hadn't taken the shot. He'd reported back that it had been too dangerous. Too exposed. He'd told them he wanted more time to find a way to do it more discretely.

It was all lies.

"You blew that shot for three days just so you could make sure I didn't have to go through that over my birthday. That night on the balcony, the wine? It's still one of the best nights that I've ever had." No one had ever tried for her like that.

He'd gone out of his way for her and at first she hadn't understood why; they'd been training together for just under 2 years. He knew her, she knew him and never in those two years had he shown even an ounce of anything but professionalism toward her except for that night. That night, he'd shown her a humanity that she hadn't known since she was a girl; no one in the Red Room was ever kind. They weren't allowed to be anything but good little soldiers that trained and fought and killed and got turned into blank slates. 

"I wouldn't have taken the shot even though I could have, Natalia." He shrugged his shoulders easily, and he released his hold on her hand. 

"I wanted to see if what I felt for you was me or if it was what they put into my head. I needed to know."and he'd learned quickly that it wasn't an implant; it wasn't something that they'd put into him. It was him.

He'd fallen for a girl who could have turned him over to their masters in a heartbeat.

Only she hadn't.

"Toronto, '63." She looked at him quizzically as she mentioned the date.

"The first time I told you I loved you."He replied, pulling her into his arms. 

"I'd tried a thousand times before that but they'd been watching us since Tokyo, it was the first mission we'd been on in over a decade that wasn't so closely monitored we couldn't breathe without being heard." And he'd hated it; he'd hated knowing that they'd been watching their every move that closely because every time they were alone for more than a few days, it all started to come creeping back.

The memories of how he felt for her had been the only things that had gotten him through the cold decades. 

"Loved." Natasha spoke.

She hadn't known what the hell to expect but that felt like a punch. _Loved._ It sounded so harsh. She was never this weak. She never showed her goddamn weaknesses to anyone, not like this. She shouldn't to him, either. Not anymore; he wasn't the same person that he'd been back then and neither was she. 

"I never stopped, you know. They tried to make me forget it but I never stopped. I didn't know you, but I knew that there was someone out there that I love. Someone out there I had to find my way back to."As he finished speaking he seemed to be consumed by an impossible sadness.

He was the first one to pull away; he made his way toward the window and stared out over the beautiful, darkened landscape of Upstate New York; out here you could see the stars and his eyes drew upward, he wouldn't admit it to her but he felt claustrophobic in here. His hand reached for the handle to the door that led out onto the balcony and he pushed it open without turning back or saying a word to her; he needed air. He needed to feel like he could breathe again.

He needed to feel like he wasn't being locked inside of a box again though he knew that she wouldn't do that to him; his cold, metal hand closed around the railing at the edge of the balcony hard enough for him to be snapped back to awareness by the creaking protest of straining metal. Not his hand of course; he looked down at the dent made by his grip and his jaw set into a tight line. He had no idea how she was planning to play this off; come sunrise there was going to be hell unleashed on her and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. He wasn't worth the trouble and he turned back toward her room with the intention of telling her that, but she wasn't where she was before. Of course she wasn't.

Why would she have just stood there? His eyes searched for her almost as though it was out of instinct; a part of him felt a momentary pang of fear. Had she left? Had he made the wrong choice? He'd needed space. He'd needed to feel like he could breathe again.

Bucky chastised himself for his thoughts; Natasha wasn't that needy. She wasn't the kind of woman to storm off. She wasn't an immature child.

"Over here."He heard her voice as he stepped partly through the door to look around.

She sat upon the couch curled up with her legs covered by a blanket and a book in her hands. She looked so relaxed; a fond smile touched his lips. She looked so natural. So beautiful, at home surrounded by her own familiar comforts, or at least the closest to home that she was willing to show him just yet; he couldn't blame her for being guarded. He watched the cat that padded toward his feet, curling around his legs with soft sounds that begged for attention and Bucky tilted his head to the side. 

"You have a cat?" he questioned, sounding almost amused. 

"She has me is more accurate. She follows me everywhere so I just sort of go with it."Natasha shrugged; he should have expected as much.

She'd have liked the whole world to think that she was cold and unfeeling but she wasn't. He was almost astonished at how normal she seemed here and now. She'd changed so much since her Red Room days and it was good to see. She'd come out of it better and maybe - just maybe - it was seeing her learn to live with her demons that'd teach him to live with his. He could hope, right?

"I do love you. I've loved you since 1947, Natalia."Bucky spoke, his eyes flicked down to the floor and the animal still curled around his legs. He frowned at it. 

_Her. Nat said the cat was female. _

"It isn't exactly simple though, is it? You can reach me. I didn't tell you that on the way back here because I needed to see how much of me was left in here. I don't know how much they've destroyed over the years."He admitted.

His jaw clenching as he fought with the words and feelings that bubbled up inside of him; he did love her. He had no right to ask her to still love him after all this time and he wouldn't blame her at all if she'd moved on. 

"You've got a life now; you have people that love you and I'm okay with that. I'm happy. The only peace I found in all of that was knowing that they couldn't hurt you anymore, but I won't ask you to put your life on hold for me. I don't need you to save me." No, he didn't need her to save him.

She wouldn't admit it, but she needed them to save each other.

She remained silent; her eyes remained on the pages of her book because she could see out of the corner of her eyes that his were fixed on the floor, still she released a sigh and shook her head, eventually closing the book and stuffing it down beside her; she could feel it resting between her leg and the back of the sofa which wasn't exactly comfortable, but she didn't care.

She listened to every word that he spoke; love wasn't something that they were permitted to feel, it wasn't a feeling that they were consented to share because Love wouldn't get the job done; Love was a liability and she'd believed that for the longest time until she'd learned that love wasn't something to be afraid of or resented, it wasn't something to be run from or dismissed easily. She'd seen love in a lot of different forms since she'd joined SHIELD and she'd gotten all of these people tangled up in this messy life of hers. She could pick up on the undertones of his words easily though; he was telling her that he wasn't worth saving. He was almost silently trying to ask her if she'd moved on.

She hadn't. Yes, she'd dated other people - Like Matt - but she hadn't moved on. She hadn't gotten over the first - and only - real love that she'd known; she loved different people in different ways because she'd learned that love had many, many facets but none of them compared even a second to what she felt for him. When it had come back to her, it had been in trickles at first like a struggling stream trapped beneath rocks and then like a tidal wave that had knocked her off of her feet; nightmares that had her waking up in a cold sweat, reaching for a comfort that wasn't there and a man that she shared an impossible connection with; a man that had become a legend just like she had, a monster, a scary story told all over the world in hushes and whispers and rumors.

It was just like she had. The Famous Black Widow. The world over still knew her name only now, they associated it with something entirely different; it was amazing what saving the world from an alien invasion could do for ones PR. She almost shuddered at the thought; she'd never appreciated being in the public eye and since she'd thrown SHIELD into Hell and all of their secrets along with it, she'd been a walking target. She knew that she hated a bullseye painted on her back and she didn't care.

There was nothing anyone could do to her that was any worse than what she'd already been through. They'd taken away her life for decades and they'd taken away the man that she'd loved, they'd tried to turn her into a weapon to hurt her friends all over again. What more could they do to her? Kill her this time? They could goddamn try; she'd been made to see she wasn't in anything alone. The others didn't even know what exactly they were fighting but they'd told her they'd fight at her side regardless which was sweet.

Foolish, but sweet.

James watched Natasha quietly, his blue eyes finally flicked up to look at her and she moved; her gaze met his and she breathed out, she looked almost sad. 

"I never thought you needed saving, James. You're not asking me to put anything on hold; there's nothing _to_ put on hold. I don't have a long line of suitors vying for my hand. I have friends, I have people around me that care about me but I'm not-- There's no one. Not like that. I'm not trying to save you or be some big hero here, I'm trying to bring you home."She had no doubt that he'd do the same for her; she was adamant on the fact.

If their roles were reversed, he'd do all he could to bring her home again. He wouldn't leave her to the mercy of another cryo tube while people found a way to poke around in her brain and pick her apart all over again. He wouldn't let them pull apart her brain in what could be some futile attempt to make it all go away when there was a far better way to do it. She could reach through or at least she had to try. She owed it to him to try. She owed it to what they were to try. He'd do the same for her. 

"You'd do it for me and you know it. You'd fight like hell to bring me home in any damn way you knew how just so you didn't have to let them pick me apart again. I won't let them do that to you. If I can bring you back without it, why shouldn't I try? Look at you. You're already more here than you are anywhere else."He paused as she spoke, she watched him step inside and slide the door shut just a little; the breeze blew the thin curtain against his shoulder.

He paused, mulling over what she'd said of course and he knew she was right: He'd do it for her. He'd do all he could to bring her home no matter what. He wouldn't let anyone pull her apart again if he knew he could reach through to her but he knew that she'd taken a stupid risk. 

"You've got plenty of people that love you now. Plenty that could save you just as well as I could."He sounded almost sullen, Natasha allowed an amused smirk to settle on her lips; he was avoiding the more serious stuff which was fine.

He'd talk to her when he was ready and she wouldn't push him but the fact that he was jealous to her was funny; he had nothing to be jealous of and he was using it as a distraction. A shield, as it were. 

"Are you jealous, Barnes?" She shot him a look that told him she wasn't exactly happy as she rose to her feet and padded toward him. 

"There's no one for you to be jealous of."With an easy shrug, she reached behind him to slide the door open again taking in a deep breath of fresh air. She stood before him, green eyes locked on blue. 

"What're you afraid of? Who do you think I have that I want more than you?"He was definitely using it to keep from admitting that she was right.

He was doing it to take his mind off of whatever it was he was really afraid of, she could see it in his eyes.

"Barton?"He spoke the name and almost immediately he sounded like a moody teenage boy; he kicked himself internally.

"No, hell no! Clint and I are best friends and he's _Married. _His wife is a pretty serious bad ass, too. I think you'll like her; she's got the super soldier kick going, too." Natasha clapped back immediately. 

Bobbi Morse, Clint and Bobbi had been married - and divorced then married again - for about 8 years now. They were about as complicated as it got, or at least they used to have the rest of them beat on complicated; she was pretty sure she and Bucky could give them a run for their money. 

"Murdock, then."He countered and she let out a laugh, shaking her head. 

"Matt and I dated. Years ago. It was a thing, he was a rookie hero and I was partnered with him to deal with some street level asshole. It ended almost as quick as it started; he's a hell of a good friend but no. I'm not in love with Matt Murdock or Clint Barton, Barnes. You're being ridiculous."She rolled her eyes at him and she could tell it annoyed him. 

"Why don't you cut the shit. We both know you're not jealous of a couple of idiots that smile at me and treat me like I'm actually a person. That isn't what's really eating at you and if you don't wanna tell me what is, that's fine. But don't stand there and demean me by making out like I'm into my friends."That stung her; she deserved better than that and he damn well knew it. 

Natasha shook her head and turned to walk back toward the sofa.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You're right, I'm being an asshole." He didn't reach out to her though he wanted to.

Instead Bucky sighed and slipped around her and made his way toward where she'd been sitting, leaving her blanket and book exactly where she'd left it and he sat on the other end; he didn't want to encroach on her space. She watched him move and she threw her head back a little in exasperation, releasing a deep sigh. Falling down exactly where she had been before, one leg remained perfectly normal with her foot on the floor but the other was pulled to her chest and her chin rested upon her knee. 

"Yeah, you are."She replied eventually, reaching out her hand to entwine their fingers; she ran her thumb gently across his knuckles as she scooted forward. 

"I don't know what it is you're afraid of here but you're _not _going to hurt me. I don't care how much the monster inside you rattles against his cage, let him. I can handle it and you know I can; we were locked in the same hell. We've got the same demons and if I can trust you enough to sit here right now telling you that I believe in you, trust me enough to see that maybe - just maybe - I'm right.**" **Lets face it, after his little outburst it was the least he could do.

James sighed, nodding his head almost as though he was resigning himself to the fact that he had to listen to her; it wasn't like there was much else he could do, not tonight at least. Even if he did want to - which he didn't - she wouldn't let him leave. 

"I love you too, by the way."She replied, a soft shrug shaking her shoulders. "Jackass."

He noted the playful, soft smile on her lips and he let out a small laugh. She loved to see him smile. She loved him more than either one of them could comprehend because in truth, she was still coming to terms with it herself. She hadn't really had the time to process it since everything had happened because it had happened so fast and it was always one battle or another. It was always one job or another; there was so rarely time for things like tonight, time for anyone to sit down and just talk without the conversation gravitating toward whatever mission they were being sent on tomorrow. There was no mission, not tomorrow or for the foreseeable future, at least not for her. He glanced down at their hands and he squeezed hers gently. 

"Thank you for coming back for me."He spoke softly. 

"I should've said that before. Thank you. You came back for me, so thank you."Not that she'd need his thanks; she hadn't done any of it because she wanted recognition and he knew that.

He knew her well enough to know that she didn't seek any glory or thanks for the things that she did. She did most of it out of pure impulse, actually. She was reckless and it was one of the things he loved about her.

"So, what's your plan come morning, Red?"He questioned, bringing her hand to his lips as he placed a kiss against the back of it. She smiled at the gentle intimacy of it. 

"Tell anyone that has anything to say to shut their damn mouth before I shut it for them?"She suggested with a bright smile before she allowed the seriousness of the question to settle over her. 

"Honestly? I don't know. I'll worry about that in the morning." She didn't have a plan, she rarely had a plan. 

_See, she was impulsive. _In truth she had no idea what she'd do when the sun came up, all she knew was that tonight she couldn't leave him out there in the cold alone. Not again. Not when there could be another way. 

"Do you remember Christmas in Bucharest, 1967? We were sent to take out that Arch Bishop but we wound up watching the Christmas parade by the river; it was snowing. I felt bad because I didn't have anything to give you so I started humming some cheesy song we'd heard on the radio earlier that day and asked you to dance with me."She watched him smile; she could see he was lost in the memory and for once, it wasn't one that pained him.

This was the kind of thing he could stand to remember; this was the kind of remembering that didn't leave him hating himself afterward. 

"I think it was probably the best Christmas I'd had since before my folks died. I knew that night that I had you and nothing else in the world mattered; it didn't matter that it'd be all wiped away again because we had that moment. We had that moment right there and I could keep you in my arms for as long as I wanted to that night."And he had, he hadn't let go of her all night. God, she'd loved that night; it had been one that she'd kept with her for years.

Even when he had no idea who she was. Even when he had no idea who _he _was, she remembered that night. She remembered every single one of them now, just like she hoped he would eventually. 

She moved closer, her legs slipping across his lap as she ducked under his arm to rest her head just below his collarbone and he wrapped his arms around her. 

"Stay." He spoke and she looked up at him. 

"Stay with me."He echoed her words.

The words she'd spoken to get him to listen to her. 

"You won't lose me again, Natasha."She could and he knew it but neither of them voiced it; he leaned down to place a gentle kiss against her lips before he moved, shifting her so that she straddled his legs and his hand caressed her cheek.

"Every day I didn't get to be with you was hell." She understood; it was for her, too.

She remembered more than he did and she lived with the dull ache in her stomach every single day since. She lived with the guilt of the lies that she told and the half-truths she'd fed Steve to stop him from asking too many questions, she'd buried her own feelings when she'd seen Steve's desperate search for his best friend and a way to save him. It hadn't mattered that she'd been in love with the man he'd been trying to save because for all she knew, _Her _James was long gone. For all she knew, he was never going to come back and that was a harsh truth to live with, but one that she'd had to consider anyway. She leaned forward to kiss him again, come morning all of this could come crashing down but for tonight? For tonight he was here and safe, he was himself and she'd hold to that - and him - for as long as she could.

He'd do the same if it were her.


	3. Stories of all we did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wouldn't tell him how to feel, not when they'd both had enough of that over the years. He was still tense though; he looked almost panicky. His jaw flexed. "I'm coming with you." He didn't meet her gaze; his eyes remained fixed on his lap.
> 
> She wanted to tell him he shouldn't. She wanted to tell him to stay here but this had to be his choice. Everything he did from hereon out had to be his choice or what she was trying to do would mean nothing.
> 
> Bucky & Natasha confront the consequences of her choice.

Yawning lazily, Natasha stirred in the embrace of a man who only hours ago had been adamant that she'd been a fool and now, he slept peacefully with his head rested atop of hers and his arms holding her to him; she could tell he was as afraid of being alone again as she was only neither of them would admit it. They'd slept for probably two hours, but as the sunlight illuminated the world around them she knew it was time to face what it was that she'd done and it was time she told a few secrets that she'd been burying for decades now, if there was no way to avoid it anyway; if she had to tell them why she'd done what she'd done by telling them who she really was then so be it, but she wouldn't do it unless there was no other choice.

Clint knew already but then she didn't keep anything from him, there was no point; the only reason her secrets hadn't come out when SHIELD had fallen was because she'd made Nick Fury promise 15 years ago that anything they knew about her would be kept in manila file locked away. Nothing digital. Never anything digital. It was kept between him, Coulson and Maria.

They were the only people besides Clint and Bucky who knew who she really was.

She felt him stir as she moved and she placed a kiss against the end of his nose, slipping out from under his arm. 

"Go back to sleep. I've got to go find Steve."She murmured gently. 

It wouldn't be hard to find him. He'd be in the kitchen like he was every morning making enough for Breakfast to feed at least two dozen people because cooking seemed to calm him; she felt the same about dancing but she hadn't danced in years. It felt hollow and empty now, it reminded her too much of what she'd lost and the hole that remained inside of her because of it. She turned to watch him almost immediately as she heard the alarm seep into his body and his breath caught.

He bolted up almost immediately and Natasha sat down again beside him, her hand on his shoulder soothingly. 

"Hey, no. No, okay? It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay."_You're going to be okay. _She didn't say it; she had to let him figure that out for himself.

She wouldn't tell him how to feel, not when they'd both had enough of that over the years. He was still tense though; he looked almost panicky.

His jaw flexed. 

"I'm coming with you."He didn't meet her gaze; his eyes remained fixed on his lap.

She wanted to tell him he shouldn't. She wanted to tell him to stay here but this had to be his choice. Everything he did from hereon out had to be his choice or what she was trying to do would mean nothing.

"Alright, there are some clothes on the dresser in the bedroom; I'm gonna go hop in the shower." She pulled away, standing up again but not before she placed a soft kiss against the bare skin of his shoulder.

She padded toward the bathroom and closed the door behind her, leaning her forehead against the cold, soulless wood as she released a sigh.

This could go seriously wrong.

\-------

Breakfast was usually her favorite time of the day; she got to sit around trading banter with Clint while Steve tried his best to understand what the hell they were talking about, chiming in with a joke whenever he found something in the conversation that he actually recognised while he pottered around making more food than most normal people could handle but none of them were exactly normal, and none of it ever went to waste; Steve did that whole charity-gig where he made sure that whatever they had that they didn't need went to people who did. He was a hero in and out of the suit. Natasha had always found that admirable. Natasha wasn't such a people person so she often let Steve take the money she donated to whoever it needed to get to; she didn't want the title of humanitarian on top of assassin and spy, it seemed like too much of a contradiction.

She wasn't the one that was going to save the world like that but Steve, Steve wanted to try. He still believed that things could be good and pure, even with the title of fugitive on his head now, too; Tony had realised he'd been an ass which sort of helped.

Still, this definitely wouldn't and she knew it. She glanced to the side and he walked a few steps behind; the look in his eyes told her all she needed to know and so, Natasha stopped dead in her tracks and held out her hand. 

"Together."She spoke, a soft and reassuring smile touched her lips.

She wouldn't leave him, not now.

The single word was spoken softly but firmly; it was going to be nothing short of crazy no matter which way around they went about it but this was probably the one way that might make them see why she'd done what she had. 

_Together. _

Never before had that word seemed so loaded.

Never before had that seemed like one of the most dangerous words in the world. He glanced down at her hand, and for mere moments that felt like an eternity to him he didn't move, not even a flinch; he couldn't. He was frozen to the spot and in truth he wanted to turn around and walk right out of here and face whatever would happen to him when he did but she'd taken a chance. She'd taken a chance and she deserved better. If James Barnes ever had a reason to stop running, it was her. Inhaling a deep, sharp breath, Bucky nodded his head. 

"Together."he replied; his voice was strained but he took her hand anyway.

_Together._

The feeling of her warm skin against his grounded him a little; the familiarity of her touch, the contours of her hand, the smoothness of the scars she had on the front of her hands from varying missions... It was all familiar to him, at least the ones he already knew; she'd gotten a few new ones since then just as he had; the familiar callouses of his fingers brushed against her smooth skin and Natasha released a small sigh. It felt more to him like he was asking her to face a firing squad than her friends. _His best friend. _Because ultimately, Steve was. He'd proved numerous times lately that hadn't changed no matter what he'd like to have thought. Or... Not.

The human part of him was still glad he had that dumb kid from Brooklyn at his back, the one that refused to give up. The one that'd face the goddamn world. Steve had always been that brave, foolish kid that just didn't know when to give up. Natasha had always been that guarded, fiercely determined beauty that faced the world head on and never backed down. It was amazing how the two of them could be so different and yet fundamentally the same, her and Steve. Maybe it was why they got along so well.

He hadn't expected the dining area to look quite so homely; he'd expected something more akin to a mess hall on an army base, something that spoke more toward functionality rather than a brightly lit kitchen with a breakfast bar, booths instead of regular seating and big, comfortable chairs dotted around that you could just sink into; immediately though he noted that no one else's eyes were on their surroundings, they were all on him. Steve stood behind the counter, he'd been leaning against it before but he stood up now, staring confused toward the pair of them. Clint was off to the side throwing paper balls at an irate looking blonde who informed him that if he didn't stop, she'd make damn sure he ate every last one of them but their playful exchange stopped immediately too when their eyes fell on him. The silent tension in the room was palpable. Natasha rolled her eyes and she let go of his hand to reach down to scoop up one of the discarded paper balls off of the floor before she launched it at Clints head and smirked.

"What the hell are you staring at, moron?"Natasha playful jibe toward her best friend was met well.

She seemed more relaxed immediately; he could feel that she was still tense but less so. Steve remained unmoved but a quick, easy grin spread across Clint's features and the blonde laughed and almost like they were granted permission by watching parents, the two of them went back about their exchange just like they had before. Nat knew better; she knew she'd have to explain all of this later but that wasn't a problem for right now. Clint would give her the space she needed. He was a good guy that way. 

Steve stepped away from the counter and made his way toward the pair of them; there was a look in his eyes that was halfway between confusion and pain. Flexing the muscle in his jaw, Bucky averted his eyes first but Natasha stood as steadfast as ever. 

"What--"Steve spoke, stumbling over the words; his brow furrowed. He didn't understand this and she could tell. Absently, Bucky reached for Natasha's hand again. It was the only familiar anchor he had. 

"You have to trust me. I know what I'm doing."Natasha sounded so sure of herself as she spoke; he couldn't help but smile and shake his head lightly at her.

His Natalia, ever sure of herself even if she had no proof at all that what she was doing would even work; she always threw herself into everything she did with such fervent belief and he admired her for that. 

"I don't even know what's going on here. We agreed he'd be in cryo until we--" Steve started to talk but Natasha threw her hand up to interject. 

"_You _agreed he'd be in cryo until someone figured out a way to help. I figured out a way to help. I can keep him here, Steve."She kept the strength in her voice. She wasn't going to give up on her plan so easily, not when she'd gone this far.

He didn't understand, not yet. She saw it in his eyes; he had never been more confused than he was now.

"Somehow I don't think your --"Steve paused, clearly trying to think of a way to phrase what he wanted to say. "Womanly _charms_ are going to help much here, Nat. No offense."

Clint choked with laughter, Bucky cocked a brow and studied Steve trying his damn best not to laugh; he had a feeling she'd probably dig him in the ribs if he did and he wasn't wrong. She shot him a glare and he put his free hand up to feign innocence. 

"You're on your own here, sweetheart. I'm not saying a word."bringing her hand to his lips, he placed a kiss against the back of it before he mimicked zipping his lips and inclined his head toward pancakes. Natasha nodded. She turned her attention back to Steve as she walked Bucky walk away. 

"How about being in love with him for seventy years?"She asked softly, releasing a gentle sigh. 

"I knew him, Steve. I _know_ him. I've known him since I was fifteen years old." This wasn't how she'd imagined eventually telling Steve this story. This wasn't how she'd envisioned going about it at all if she'd ever find a time where she had no choice but to tell him everything.

"That's not seventy years, Natasha that's -- You're what, 35? Give or take? That's twenty years, tops."She shook her head; she almost looked apologetic. 

"I was born July 24th 1930, Steve. I was raised from the age of 4 by a top secret Government operation in Russia as you know, but I was placed in and out of cryostasis just like he was; I was given the same serum he was. He trained me, he taught me, protected me."_Loved me. _Steve was struggling. She followed his eyes to his best friend. Clint was the only person who knew even half of this story.

"We met in 1945, I was 15. They threw me into a room with a man they'd spent two years turning into a weapon and I just-- I was a kid, their best but I was still a kid and he saw that. We trained together for two years before they sent us on our first coop mission together and he and I both realised that what we were went deeper than that; I'm a weapon just like he is. I'm no better than he is and every single one of you have given me a chance. I have the same programming in my head that he does. Same ability to be triggered but I can be brought around by something that tethers me to who I really am just like he can. I can keep him tethered, Steve."She could feel the guilt bubbling up inside of her.

She'd spent the last two years lying to Steve, pretending she didn't know half as much as she really did and now, now he knew that. His face contorted. 

"You knew the whole time where I could find him, Natasha."She shook her head though as he spoke. 

"No, I didn't. I looked. I kept looking. The moment I knew they'd taken him out of cryo again I looked and I didn't stop but they never stay in one place; if they were that easy to trace I'd have busted him out years ago. I've been trying for 15 years, Steve. Fifteen years." She was silently begging him to understand.

She could see he was trying. He was trying to understand a situation laid out before him that he'd no doubt thought was impossible. No one knew what she was and she wanted to keep it that way. Well, almost no one.

Three people did, four including Bucky. Now that made five. Five was too many. She sighed. She'd spent years keeping who she was a closely guarded secret and she'd known, she'd known she may very well have to throw it all away for the sake of this but she supposed there were worse things out there to throw herself in front of the proverbial speeding train for. She glanced sideways and noted that Bucky hadn't taken his eyes off of her the whole time; a soft smile touched her lips.

She watched the way his mouth turn upward into an amused smirk. "You're not giving my wife too hard a time are you, Rogers? You can't hold it against her too much; she doesn't even tell me whats going on with her unless I ask _real _nicely."She let out a laugh.

Everyones eyes were immediately drawn to the three of them.

"I'd almost forgot about that; Rome wasn't it? The Vineyard?"She tilted her head softly as she thought about it.

That mission had lasted over six months; they were posing as a couple moving to the area, searching for the perfect place for a beautiful wedding because the man that owned it was some Italian Mafioso or another. She didn't remember but then, she didn't care. The missions had never been important to her but the moments that she'd gotten to spend with him were all that mattered. 

Bucky nodded. "Technically, we are still legally married; we _did _use our real names."

Not that they were supposed to; she wondered if that was why it had been one of the last missions that they'd been sent on together. She could see it in all of their eyes, it was a curveball that none of them had expected and one that she'd honestly forgotten about until now; she'd dismissed it no doubt as another mission but he was right: They did use their real names and that did make it legal.

Huh.

Go figure.

"I have no idea what's even going on here."Steve threw his hands up.

It seemed he had resigned himself to the fact that it was probably going to take a hell of a long time for him to understand any of this. She noticed that the way he looked at her had changed though and that stung.

Bucky rose from his seat and made his way toward Natasha, wrapping his arms around her from behind. 

"She did it for me, don't be too hard on her; she hates her past and who she became back then. She avoids what she avoids because she doesn't want anyone to look at her like you are right now: She doesn't want them to look at her like it makes her different. Who she is now is what matters, if people can't let go of who we were or who they turned us into we'll never get better."He always knew her best. 

Steve released a sigh. He studied his best friend and well, his best friend; Natasha had become that over the years. She was probably the one person Steve knew he could turn to and while that was called into question now because he didn't know how much of it was her lying to him to protect her secrets, he should probably have seen it coming; she'd always told him she was a spy: She'd say whatever she needed to say to protect her secrets; he should have expected it but he'd never imagined it'd be anything like this. He hadn't imagined that she'd have a history like this with Bucky; he hadn't imagined that he'd bring his best friend back from the edge only to realise that he'd fought side by side with the woman he was in love with all these years.

It was almost like life wanted to tie them together somehow; she'd always been his connection to his best friend whether he knew it or not. He resented the lies but, how much of the truth could she have told without him rushing into danger?

Everything had its time, and she always had her reasons and seeing the way that they were with one another now, he understood why she'd kept as much as she had to herself; this was her little piece of happiness to recover and protect as she saw fit. It wasn't just about him, it was about something deeper than that; it was about two lost souls drawn together in darkness, two monsters that found light in one another and reminded one another to be human.

It wasn't just about him and Bucky, it was about the woman that had saved him and gave him a reason to fight all those years.

"So, I guess I missed out on the chance to throw you a bachelor party, huh."Steve replied, half smiling as he rubbed the back of his neck.

This was going to take some getting used to.


	4. Where would I be in life had we not met yet?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I changed my mind on this chapter I'm gonna put the other in after this one so it'll make more sense with the direction I wanna go in. I had a thought today for a story I wanna run on with so! Sorry!
> 
> Steve and Bucky need to talk; Natasha decides her best bet is to spar it out with Clint and let them figure it out.

Sleep would have evaded him if he wasn't curled up with her and he knew it; feeling her rest against his chest, the rise and fall as she took steady breaths in her sleep calmed him. He'd spent a good two hours staring at the ceiling not really focussing or thinking about anything after she'd fallen asleep, just getting lost in the warmth of the body next to him, the arm draped over his torso and the steady beating heart that reminded him he was okay. He was okay.

James Barnes was free. The Soldier was back in his cage where he belonged.

He wished he could say it was a dreamless sleep but every time he'd stirred, she'd awoken immediately and she'd held to him humming soft Russian lullabies to lull him, calm him and remind him that he wasn't with them anymore. He'd been adamant at first on taking the couch because he was terrified he'd hurt her in his sleep and it had taken her all of ten minutes to tell him that wasn't happening. She wasn't scared of him.

She wasn't afraid of anything he may very well do when thrashing from his nightmares because at least she'd know he wasn't going through it alone; it was for both of their solace not just hers.

If she stood a chance of making him understand he wasn't alone, he had to stop pushing her away and he knew it.

Morning rolled around, and he found himself counting just how much sleep he'd gotten that wasn't disturbed by screaming dreams and he estimated it at about an hour, if he was lucky but when he looked down and watched her stir, he knew it didn't matter. He placed a soft kiss against the top of her head.

"Good morning." He spoke softly. He didn't ask her if she'd slept well; he already knew she hadn't.

"Mm, morning handsome." Sleepily, Natasha roused and propped herself up on her elbow.

Bucky leaned forward to kiss the tip of her nose; she smiled, fighting a soft blush that flooded her cheeks. She wasn't used to being treat like this; he'd been so gentle with her, the both of them needed the peace that came with just being _close _to someone. Today was going to be hellish enough and she knew it, last night wasn't easy but he'd told her having her there soothed it more than she knew. 

But for now, breakfast. Food was always a good idea.

\----------

Bucky had decided to go to find Steve; he hadn't been at breakfast which seemed to worry Natasha and he found him outside running laps; Bucky had stood quietly for a good few minutes letting Steve try to run out whatever the hell it was he was trying to run away from before he shrugged away from the wall, glancing momentarily back toward the facility before he looked back at his best friend.

"What happened to if you run, they'll never let you stop?" Bucky questioned, amusement laced his tone.

"You know, I remember that dumb kid from Brooklyn who wouldn't even make the stairs without his inhaler." He remembered. He remembered some of it anyway.

He hoped Steve would realise the significance of that. Steve stopped running and he looked toward Bucky, rubbing his side and Bucky estimated he'd probably gotten a stitch from skidding to such an abrupt halt. He let out a small laugh anyway which was comforting. 

"No Natasha?" Steve questioned, poking at his best friend playfully.

"No, I lost her somewhere along the way; she might have been kidnapped... The archer. He seemed pretty intent on stealing her for the morning." Bucky didn't mind. She needed time with her friend.

And he needed to find Steve and talk to him. He knew he owed him explanations he couldn't give yesterday because in truth, he had none to give. His mind was a muddled, addled mess. It still was, but a night with the woman he loved had calmed the barking dogs that shut out any semblance of sense and he felt altogether better. It wasn't anything physical, none of them had tried absolutely anything; it wasn't that he didn't want to it was more that it wasn't what they needed.

Togetherness, that was what was required for both of them. Real togetherness, not the two hours they'd gotten the night before she'd gone to deal with the mess she'd created by doing all of this. She was so damn stubborn sometimes. Steve chuckled.

"Yeah well, he'll ransom her back later for pizza and a sixer, don't worry about it." He quipped; he knew Barton by now. He was a decent guy, a bit on the snarky side but...

"Yeah, he'd better. I kinda like that one. She's actually pretty cool." He sounded more like the boy he'd been before all of this; he sounded like the smart ass kid he'd been before The Winter Soldier. Before the army, before the war, before he'd almost died...

"I think we need to talk." Bucky cleared his throat, clearly wishing that he could keep up the playful to and fro but that wasn't going to clear anything up for anyone.

Steve sighed, but he nodded his head anyway as he walked over to one of the stone benches that were dotted around the outside of the facility, he was no longer massaging his side. Instead, he sat quite fidgety; he was clearly unsure what to do with himself. This was the first time they'd really talked where they weren't running for their lives or there was no immediate threat of the darkness inside of him rearing its ugly head.

Bucky released a sigh as he walked over to join him, sitting for a moment with his head buried in his hands before he ran them down his face and turned to look at Steve.

"You have questions so, ask away." Bucky knew Steve by now. He knew that look. 

He knew that inside of Steve's mind there was a whirling hurricane of questions and confusion that he was trying his best to navigate through; Steve Rogers seldom did anger. He wasn't that kind of person; he didn't snap at people and he didn't turn into a complete ass when he was trying to deal with something that there was no damn way in hell he'd understand. It was one of the very many things that Bucky admired about him; he had an uncanny ability to keep his cool. It was something that he'd never been able to do himself. He'd always been a bit of a reckless hothead, Steve was the polar opposite and maybe that was why they needed each other: Balance.

Bucky needed that balance now more than ever.

"You and Nat. How-- She should've told me before." Steve sighed.

"No, she couldn't. If she'd told you she was about as old as we were and that she'd killed more people than she could remember but she'd lost the love of her life, how do you think that'd have made her feel? If she had to look at you and tell you that it wasn't just you that lost me but that she did, too, would it have helped you? Would you have fought by her side for her sake or for your own?" Bucky questioned, watching his friend try to process what he was saying.

"Natasha had her reasons; no one knew her story but me and Clint. No one knew the true extent of it; she told Maria, Fury and Coulson what they needed to know but she made sure she kept her and I out of it. She told a sanitized version of who she was to all of you so you wouldn't know that she had that darkness in her, too. She couldn't take risks. Her and I live on a tentative balance, the fewer people know what we are the better. No one can find her triggers the way they found mine. I won't let that happen to her. Not again." Bucky was adamant on that fact.

"She loves you." Steve replied quietly.

"She stood by my side and watched me talk about how much I'd lost and how much I missed my best friend. She told me about your-- Alter ego, and she did it all while hiding her own pain. She let it be about me." Steve added, clearly coming to his own realisation that Natasha hadn't been the bad guy.

Bucky let out a small laugh before he shrugged his shoulders. That was who she was though, it was who she'd always been; she put herself on the line for the people she cared for, she'd done it for him when she knew that she shouldn't have. She'd done exactly that by bringing him here in the first place and in truth, he was happy for the friendship that she and Steve had developed; it seemed right somehow that his best friend should at least have some connection with him even if he didn't quite realise how important a connection that was.

Natasha had told him already that she'd warned Steve against looking because she knew that it'd end in pain, but she'd also told him she didn't try to stop him; she'd helped him without making it clear she was doing exactly that.

She didn't let on too much about what she knew, but she'd made it no secret that she knew _something. _She'd just lied and said she'd reached out to some of her contacts; she'd been doing her own research for 15 years prior.

"She tracked me down in Marrakech about six months before I got pinned for the bombing that killed T'Challa's father. She asked me then to come in, she asked me to let her help me but I couldn't do it; I recognised her but I didn't know then what I do now, it'd been too soon. I remembered _something _But it wasn't the kind of something that made any sense." Bucky released a sigh; he knew Steve didn't know this part either.

"It took me a while to figure out how she'd found me; I asked her and she told me I'd remember how she knew where to look eventually and when I did, I'd know I could trust her: I told her a story one night while we were on recon, a story about a quiet little village that if I could, I'd run to because it sounded like heaven. The doc that lived down the block from us told me about it when we were kids, it was where him and his wife were from, remember? I guess she'd kept it in her head all those years." But then so had he. 

"It figures; she was out of commission for a while after SHIELD falling in DC. She told me she had some stuff to figure out." Steve spoke quietly.

"I never asked her what she'd been doing when she came back. I learned during that whole thing in DC that Nat only ever shares what she wants to. Guess that was more true than I realised." He added, glancing toward Bucky.

"I must've read over that file she gave me ten thousand times and I really tried. I dug up every rock I could find looking for something - anything, really - to help me find you. I've felt like what happened to you was my fault ever since I found out what they'd turned you into." Steve looked down then; the pain and guilt he felt hadn't subsided even a little bit.

"You can't blame yourself, Steve. I was a dumb ass; I knew what I was getting into. I knew the risks same as you. Yeah, none of us could've known what'd come next and if I were a saner man I'd wish it'd never happened but I don't. I really don't." Bucky shook his head.

"If it'd been different I wouldn't have met her. I wouldn't know her. I suffered. I went through hell but those moments I had in between? I'd go through all of it again in a heartbeat just for her. Just so I'd have her." He added, shrugging his shoulders.

Bucky smiled ever so slightly as he turned to look back at Steve; he figured it must be better for him now to know that at least there were answers for Steve that were going to be far easier to find than answer for any questions he had for what the hell had happened to him over the last 13 years.

"So, what else do you wanna know?" He questioned, trying to distract from the seriousness.

Steve looked thoughtful, almost pensive. In truth he felt goddamn awful for how he'd been with Natasha yesterday but he'd been blindsided. Yesterday had been probably the most complicated day he'd had in decades, if not in his whole life. Life had stopped being simple a long time ago for Steven Rogers.

"Everything." Steve replied.

Bucky laughed.

\--------

"I cannot _believe_ You didn't tell me you were married! That is an asshole move, Romanov." Clint ducked a kick, a boyish grin playing on his features as his foot connected with the back of her knee.

Natasha let out a small grunt as she hit the mat below her and she shot him a glare over her shoulder, recovering almost as fast as she'd gone down by twisting one leg through his and pulling him down beside her; she was careful not to put too much pressure on though. That kind of move could break a leg easily enough.

"It's not-- I'm-- Shut up." She shot back, blowing her hair out of her face.

"You, me, birdie and soldier boy can double date. It'll be fun." and he rolled out of the way before Natasha could hit him in the stomach but he caught her arm anyway.

You know, just for good measure. Natasha glowered at him and yanked it back. 

"You are having _way _too much fun with this." she huffed as she sprang to her feet again.

Clint didn't move quite so fast; he stood up lazily dusting himself off as he shrugged his shoulders and laughed.

"Hoo, oh damn right I am! I've wanted to meet the infamous Mr. Black Widow forever. It's not like we had the chance to share bro stories when I was kicking your ass in the middle of an airfield." His arrogance made him miss a jab to the kidney and he staggered slightly, still smirking of course.

"_You _were kicking my ass? Try the other way around." she replied, a laugh breaking her lips.

This was why she loved her time with Clint; it was always so easy and stress free. He could be serious when he wanted to be but he knew her well enough to know when the situation warranted something else entirely and for that, she loved him endlessly. He was her best friend; he knew when to focus on trying to keep it all light.

"I seem to recall having a definite upperhand at least once." Clint retorted, resuming his stance. 

"You just about managed to pin me once and I let you." Natasha smirked as she spoke. 

Clint knew her well enough to know that she was just toying with him just like he'd known out there in the field that she wouldn't hurt him or that she was never not on his side. He knew he could count on her the same as she knew she could count on him. They'd been through so much together.

"No but for real, what happens next? You and Bucky? What happens next?" He was worried; his tone was dripping with concern.

Almost immediately Natasha dropped her stance and sighed; she shrugged her shoulders as she moved to sit on the mat, her green eyes flicked up to meet her best friends. In truth she had no idea what happened next. She had no idea what to do from hereon out but she was damn well trying. 

"I guess we try figure out if we can move forward together. I hope like hell we can. I don't wanna lose him again, Clint. I can't. Who I am now isn't who I was but how I feel for him? That's the one thing that's never changed. He was the only light in that whole hell until I met you." As she spoke her eyes flicked to her lap.

"I have to save him. I have to bring him back, too. I won't lose him to them again." She sighed.

Clint sat down beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Alright, so we save your guy. I mean, we've literally saved the world so uh... We got this." He replied playfully, pulling her toward him into a one armed hug.

She'd always been glad he was such a good friend but now, she needed that more than ever. Everything right now seemed far too up in the air and she hated it; it was one of those chaotic situations that she'd carefully tried to avoid but when her two lives had collided with the reappearance of The Winter Soldier she knew she was on a clock that was slowly but surely winding down; sooner or later, she was going to have to step out of her little comfort zone and do something to fix this in whatever way she could.

After all, she knew him better than anyone. Steve knew one side to him, but she knew who he'd become after that day; she knew the things he'd done and the soul that lived inside of the monster that people had tried for decades to kill. She knew how to reach him and hold him there and she hated that it was so cliche; she hated that it was love that managed to save someone. It was like a goddamn bad fairytale and she'd always hated them. Well, the sanitized versions of them anyway; she preferred the other ones that showed just how dark the world really was.

Go figure. She never did like all that sugarcoated cutesy shit.

Looking over at Clint, Natasha narrowed her eyes as she reached out to push him down so he was back down on the training mat. Clint let out a huff, clearly he hadn't been expecting it but he laughed anyway.

"Don't let your guard down, idiot." she spoke playfully, a laugh breaking her lips.

"But seriously? Thank you. You've always got my back no matter what that means and I'm so sorry I'm dragging you into all of this mess; you've done enough for me." She muttered; he already knew how bad she was at stuff like this.

"You'd do the same for me, Nat. Look at what happened after my divorce; I was in a shitty place and you put up with all my crap. Bobbi nearly dying almost killed me and you know that better than anyone. The choices I made that day haunt me to this day but you still stuck by my side and talked some sense into me." He replied, sitting up again.

"You don't need to thank me for being exactly what I promised you I'd always be: Your best friend." Clint grinned.

And naturally, Natasha rolled her eyes.


	5. Don't take the girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Side note here, never in my goddamn life have I written an intimate scene so I'm sorry if its lousy. Please do let me know kindly if it is hahah!)
> 
> He'd forgotten how easy it was to get lost in her, it was almost too tempting to give way to the passion welling up inside of him but tonight, Bucky Barnes doesn't need passion. Tonight, he needs to remind himself that for once, he has time.
> 
> And he has her.

The day hadn't been nearly as stressful as he'd thought it'd be; he'd spent most of the day regaling Steve with the stories he could remember about he and Natasha's past and some of the less brutal missions that he'd been on over his time; he didn't want Steve to see every ounce of evil in him just yet, the whole time Bucky had referred to her as Natalia and at first, that had confused Steve but after he'd explained that it was just him that was allowed to refer to her as such, he seemed to understand; it was after all the girl he knew and it was an old habit; in private he'd stick with that but in public he'd call her Natasha like everyone else because that was what she'd asked of him.

He'd taken a little time to himself after that, skipping out on dinner with the rest of them in favor of two slices of pizza on the grass outside while he watched the sunset in peace; it had been years since he'd seen a sunset peacefully, the rest of the time he'd been looking over his shoulder for one reason or another and Bucky felt altogether better. 

Steve understood things better, even though he knew that he'd never stop having questions Bucky felt at least a little less like he was lying to him about absolutely everything; he'd given his best friend a few digs over the course of the day when he'd poked fun at the old soldier for the romance in the stories though, or for pointing out the way that he smiled when he talked about her. In all of the time that he'd known Bucky, Steve had never seen him in love. Love made a person different and he was more than aware of that now; loving someone meant you put their life above your own and Bucky already knew he'd die for her.

He'd known that since 1947. 

Making his way up to her floor, he stepped off of the elevator with a calm smile on his face as he stood for a moment, watching his beloved curled up under her blanket again lost in the same book she'd been reading a few days ago; he knew she'd always loved an enthralling story to get lost in. It was a distraction from the harshness of reality and he couldn't blame her for that; her tee hung off one of her shoulders, clearly too big for her but she didn't seem to even notice. He made his way behind her; crouching down, he placed a soft kiss against her bare shoulder. He'd missed her like hell today, not that he'd say anything about it; she was the only true security he had right now after all. She was holding him in place and when he'd started to feel the aching throb in his head, he knew he had to come back.

"Hey, beautiful." He sounded blissful. The headache started to immediately subside.

She allowed a smile to touch her features as she rested her head against his. 

"Hi." she replied lazily. 

"Good day?" he asked as he nuzzled her cheek.

"Better now." She replied, chewing her lip gently; she was glad he couldn't see her properly. She hated it when anyone saw her blush.

Leaning over to put the book on the coffee table, Natasha slid her blanket off of her legs and turned around and it was easy to see immediately why she'd had it there to begin with; she was wearing nothing but her underwear underneath and it was in that moment that he realised she truly was comfortable around him. Kneeling on the sofa as he stood up, she studied him; a part of her wanting just to see he was okay but another part wanting to just see that he was _there_. Not just physically but _mentally_. He looked calmer than he had since he'd gotten here and that brought a sense of relief; she'd been worried about how he was holding up regardless of how many times he'd told her he was fine. He knew her better than to think that she'd accept that. Stretching up to put her arms around his neck, she tilted her head softly to the side.

"I'd almost forgotten how much better you look when you're you, when you're calmer and feeling more yourself. It's nice to see." She hadn't seen it in decades.

The thought brought a pang of guilt that she'd gotten out and he hadn't. He seemed to sense it because he leaned down to press his lips against hers; he wanted to calm her mind the way that his was. Reaching down, Bucky wrapped his arms around her and pulled her up, giving her little choice but to wrap her bare legs around his waist as he ran his hand up the smooth skin and he grinned against her lips. Pulling back, she gave him a curious look.

"Sergeant Barnes, what _are _you doing?" Her tone was somewhere between playful and outright curious.

It seemed like both of them had forgotten how it felt to be this close; he could feel her heart hammering as loud as his was. He inclined his head toward the bedroom. 

"Is that alright?" It wasn't like they hadn't done anything before but, he wasn't going to push her if she wasn't ready yet.

A lot had changed since the last time they were together and while he was absolutely sure that she did still love him, he wasn't sure that she was ready to let him get close to her like that again. He wanted her, that much was obvious but he also wanted to make it clear that he could wait and that he was more than happy to do so. Now, there was nowhere they had to escape from they could take all the time they wanted; there was no pressure or need to put everything into a precious few days, or a few hours if they were really unlucky.

She didn't speak, instead she leaned forward to capture his lips with her own in a deep, passionate kiss that gave him his answer there and then. As guilty as it made him feel, he was glad; he craved the relief and it seemed she did, too. She raked her nails up his back and even over his shirt, it drove him insane. The mere seconds it took to move to her bedroom felt like an eternity; setting her down, he reluctantly broke their kiss. She let out a small sound of protest. They stood now so close to the bed that one nudge and she'd be on her back on the mattress and Bucky smirked, smoothly moving her baggy shirt up over her head. He groaned in frustration.

"You are so goddamn beautiful." he muttered, tugging her toward him and placing another kiss against her lips.

"Uh, you're wearing too many clothes Soldier." the redhead spoke seductively.

Immediately, he complied as he allowed her to pull his shirt over his head before she ran her hands slowly up his bare abdomen, the soft feel of her hands against his skin reminding him of many a night past and it was almost enough to have him stumble as he kicked out of his jeans. God, he'd missed her. With a finger beneath her chin, Bucky tilted her head up to kiss her once more before he gave her a gentle push backward. As she fell, her red hair splayed out beneath her. Running a single finger up her bare leg, he leaned over to place a kiss against the scar that he'd left on her stomach and she could tell that he felt bad for it but there was time to deal with that later. A small sound broke her lips. 

The feel of his lips against her skin was enough to drive her insane. 

His finger reached the edge of her panties and Bucky smirked, raising a brow cockily almost as though he was daring her to react and she did; she was growing more and more frustrated by the second and he loved that he had that power over her still. Deftly removing the last remnant of fabric on her body his head bowed again, hand gently nudging her legs apart as his lips slipped down her smooth skin reaching the soft warmth of her intimacy. His tongue gliding gently over the sensitive mound of nerves and immediately, she responded with a soft moan of pleasure. His tongue flicked skilfully over, swapping between that and a gentle suckle he listened to the sounds he knew she was trying to bite back as he felt his own arousal growing. The more he pushed her toward her edge the louder the sounds that broke her lips. Her pale hands gripped the sheets on the bed so tight that she pulled them loose effortlessly.

She arched her back as she reached her climax and the soldier held his hands on her thighs, allowing her to ride it out with a flurry of screams he’d been convinced he’d never hear again; he pulled away with a gentle kiss against the inside of his thigh and looked down at her, breathless and beautiful as she laid with a heaving chest and a look in her eyes that he hadn’t seen in years.

One that he never thought he’d see again if he was going to be honest with himself.

Her eyes flicked to the remaining fabric covering his body and then back to his face, wordlessly telling him that wasn’t at all acceptable and so, he obliged her and quite gladly, too.

Leaning over to press a series of slow kisses along her collarbone before he sucked on the tender skin between the bottom of her neck and her shoulder, he took both of her hands in his and pinned them above his head before he entered her with a soft moan of relief against her skin and she responded with a sound of her own.

“I missed you.” She purred breathlessly in his ear.

Wrapping her leg around his, he could tell she was trying to spur the pace; neither of them was used to anything slow or tender but in truth he needed that now more than ever; he needed to feel something far more intimate.

“Easy, love.” He spoke as his kisses moved to her jaw.

In that moment, Natasha found herself with a sense of understanding that she hadn’t bargained for; she’d never seen this much of a gentle side to him because until now, he hadn’t been permitted long enough to show it. She was seeing the side of him whose mind – finally – was mostly his own. Tonight, it wasn’t about passion or rushed moments it was about rediscovery. It was about conveying something he couldn’t find the words for.

He’d never been good with those.

His grip on her hands tightened as her hips moved to meet his thrusts and the slow, sensual sounds drew from her lips told him that she wasn’t disappointed.

Though it did seem she wanted a change, effortlessly she flipped them as she’d done many a time in the past and she sat atop of him, rocking her lips in a tantalizing rhythm that had him rolling his head back with a soft moan, exposing his neck which appeared too tempting an offer for her; she leaned forward nibbling softly at the skin. The feel of her pressed against him had the soldiers breath hitch in his throat, a low groan breaking his lips as he wrapped his flesh and blood arm around her, using the other to sit them both up.

They were both close, he could tell by the breathless sounds and urgent moans breaking her lips and his hand moved to her cheek as he pressed a kiss against her lips.

“Together.” He spoke; she nodded.

This time when she quickened the pace, he didn’t stop her; both of them plunging into the deep abyss of orgasm as he felt himself explode into an ecstasy that he’d spent decades longing for as she cried out, tightening around him to ride out her own orgasm.

As she fell to the side, lying on her back for a few moments to catch her breath Bucky Barnes found himself feeling complete in a way that had seemed impossible just weeks before.

Days before.

She moved again though within less than a minute so that her head rested against his shoulder, her hand moving to rest over his heart a heart that she noted was beating just as hard and fast as hers was.

“I love you.” She whispered quietly and he smiled.

She almost never said it first.

“I love you, too.” He replied.

She turned into his shoulder to stifle a yawn and he kissed the top of her head.

“Sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”


	6. We could be legends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awake in the middle of the night and looking for food leads Bucky to make an unlikely new friend and he finds that he has a lot in common with the snarky blonde he sits talking to over a bowl of cereal and a series of snippy comments and shared stories.
> 
> AKA Bobbi bonds with Bucky Barnes and reminds him that not everyone around here is afraid he's gonna flip at any second.

It was just after One by the time that he'd managed to make sure she was in a deep enough slumber for him to slip away for a little while; picking up his scattered clothing he shoved them back on haphazardly as he made his way over to the elevator, pushing the button as he waited for it to open and he prayed it'd be quiet enough not to wake her. His mother hated it when he was younger and he'd get up in the middle of the night to get something to eat but it was worse now; the metabolism of a Super Soldier was something else entirely.

He'd expected to find the kitchen dark and empty, but as he walked in two of the lights were on over the breakfast bar and sat on the top of the counter was a blonde woman with a bowl of cereal in her hands and her feet on one of the chairs. He noted almost immediately she was in full tac gear and he studied her dubiously all of a sudden wishing that he had a weapon of some kind; Bucky's blue eyes cast around.

"Relax, soldier. I'm not your enemy." The blonde spoke as she observed his body language, placing the cereal bowl down next to her.

"Bobbi Morse." She held out her hand to him with a smile on her face; she looked almost amused.

Cautiously, Bucky approached and took her hand and shook it. She burst into a soft laughter at the look on his face and shook her head playfully, gesturing to the space on the counter next to her.

"C'mon, I'm not gonna shoot you; I just got back from a helluva day, I don't have the energy to get into it with anyone." Bobbi shrugged. 

Upon studying her, he could tell she was right; she had dried blood on the side of her face and a cut on her hairline that didn't seem to bother her in the slightest. He noted the way that she was looking at him and there wasn't a hint of malice at all in her expression so either she really didn't want to cause him any harm or his ability to read people really had gone to shit in the last few days.

Bobbi rose a brow as she watched him. It was up to him if he believed her or not, she wasn't going to force him into absolutely anything; they both knew all too well that once you had no choice in something, you were sort of stuck with it and she'd never do that to him or anyone else. She'd had no choice in what happened to her and he'd had no choice in what happened to him; they were far more alike than any of them probably knew.

"You're _very_ weird." Bucky observed, frowning at her but taking up her offer anyway.

"Yeah well as weird as I am, no one else is awake to sit talking to your insomniac ass at 1am so you're stuck with me I'm afraid." She didn't hold back, what was the point?

"I'm a spy, not a killer. At least not a serial killer. I've killed people I won't pretend I haven't but usually they're dicks and they deserve it. You don't deserve it. You're cool peoples from what I know." Clint had told her little bits, but Bobbi preferred to find out for herself who someone was.

"Thanks, I guess?" Bucky replied, raising a brow at her.

"So you're Mrs Barton, huh?" As he spoke, Bobbi erupted into loud laughter.

"Oh _hell no. _There's no damn way in hell I'm going by that again. We did that once and we wound up divorced. Nope, this time I'm still Bobbi Morse and I'm staying that way, thanks." She replied with a grin on her face.

"If you're gonna go there, I'm gonna start calling you Mr. Romanov because I sure as hell don't see her taking your name." Bobbi shot back, reaching for her cereal again.

Bucky let out a genuine laugh as he listened to her; he liked this one. She was funny and she seemed more open and honest than anyone he'd spoken to in quite a while which was surprising because as she'd said: She was a spy. This wasn't out in the field though, this was a couple of sleepless people sitting in a kitchen in the early hours of the morning. In truth, he hadn't realised how much he needed to just _talk _with someone that wasn't going to ask him if he was okay every single time he even stared off into the distance for a second.

"So, what's your story? You look like you've just gotten out of a burning building." Bucky questioned, gesturing to her getup.

"Ahhh, yeah. Some asshole blew one of my safehouses. Not looking for me mind but, one of my agents and I can't let that stand; I'm not the kind of boss that's gonna let someone take potshots at you and do nothing about it so, he's now in a very deep dark hole and he won't be seeing the light of day again anytime soon." She shrugged almost as though it was no big deal.

"I didn't kill him, in case you were wondering. He's locked up where he belongs." She amended.

"You're someones boss?" He asked incredulously.

She seemed far too... Well, far too something. He wasn't quite sure what just yet but then, he didn't know her well enough. She nodded her head anyway trying not to regard the way he was looking at her with laughter.

"Yup! World Counter Terrorism Agency. I've been running it now for about 3 years. They asked me to look for you too but I told 'em to go to hell." She replied before she took a spoon full of her cereal.

"They? Who's they?" He questioned, slightly concerned.

"SHIELD." She replied with a sigh, rolling her eyes.

"Why'd you say no?" Curious. He was very curious.

"Clint told me about you and Natasha, at least a little of it. I had no interest in helping someone lock you up again. You deserved the chance to be your own person and Rogers wanted to find you on his own. I told him he could use my equipment if he needed to; both of them care quite a lot about you, Steve and Natasha." Bobbi studied him as she spoke.

"You and me? We're not all that different; I wasn't brainwashed or all that crap but I was given two separate serums that changed who I was; the first one I had some choice in but the second I didn't. You and me are both things that few people can understand and we've got regrets under our belt that no one else can understand. Even my own husband is still afraid of who I am deep down; Clint thinks I don't know but I can tell. I know him better than anyone else. Well almost." Bobbi twisted her lips slightly, flicking her eyes down to her lap.

"You're not someone I wanted to help anyone screw over. I told him I'd help run interference so no one could track you until she did." She offered him a small smile.

He had no idea how to feel about that; he'd never met the woman in his life until he'd sort of met her two days ago and yet she'd helped him without him even knowing about it. There weren't many people who'd go out of their way for someone they'd never even met, especially not someone he knew was a world renowned assassin. He had no idea at that point she was more than aware of his reputation and yet she didn't seem remotely afraid of him. It seemed as though she knew as well as he did what it was like to be surrounded by people who were afraid of you.

"Thanks." He replied.

"You're welcome. Y'know you really should eat something. I'm guessing that's why you're in here and not in the gym or something. I recommend Lucky Charms. It's my go-to when I need quick food; Natasha has an awesome sweet tooth so the kitchen is always well stocked with sugary goodness." And Bobbi was thankful for that at this point.

"She always did." Bucky replied, grinning slightly.

"You said something about serums?" He asked as he hopped down from the counter, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"Ohhh, you don't miss a beat do you?" She poked playfully.

Bobbi took a deep breath in.

"Okay, so! This asshole called Lincoln Slade took a shot at me; he hit three millimeters from my heart and only because Barton yanked my arm and pulled me to the side quick enough, he didn't manage to kill me. Barton got me evaced just before I bled out but, I'd lost a hell of a lot of blood and the internal damage was-- well, it didn't look good." she let out a short, humorless laugh.

"Fury offered Clint a choice, let me die or give me something they call the Infinity Formula. Problem is, until me no other person had ever been given it and no one knew what it'd do to me beyond _apparently_ save my life. There was nothing else anyone could do and from what I was told they'd tried pretty damn hard, I was as good as dead; the machines were the only thing that stopped it for long enough to make his choice. He gave me the formula and he hated himself. Every goddamn day since that day he's hated himself for what I became after that." Placing the bowl down again, she shrugged out of her tac vest and threw it onto one of the chairs.

"When I came around, I was better but my memory was shot to shit; I didn't remember much about what happened at first but when I did? It came back as pure anger. I tracked Slade down and I killed him. I didn't even think twice, I just killed him. Clint couldn't take being married to me after that; he blamed himself for all of it. I shot a man in cold blood: His word, not mine. Clint believes in killing only when it's necessary and I could've spared his life in favor of having him locked up but I didn't." And she didn't regret that either.

"Now, I go through weekly tests, blood work and all that crap because I have weird abilities now. I don't use 'em all that much unless I'm in a jam but I don't need to. I have people that have my back." she flicked her blue eyes to him. She added that last part as though it was nothing.

"So there ya go! You know why I'm a freak." The humor had returned to her voice as she spoke.

Bucky listened to her story and he felt bad for her; it was hard not to. It sounded like what she'd been through had been nothing short of horrible and for her to wind up being divorced after that just seemed outright cruel; Clint had made his choice but he could understand why it had been a strain. He still feared that what he was would eventually come between he and Natasha. He sat next to her again with his own bowl of cereal. She was right, this was actually a pretty good idea.

"When I was under, I didn't get to be anything but a monster. What you did? That was circumstance. It wasn't you being a monster, too." He hoped that'd comfort her a little at least.

"Yeah well, I've changed a lot since then; I opened the agency because I wanted to do something to redeem myself for the crappy things I've done. I couldn't stand to work for SHIELD anymore, not when I felt like a science experiment to them. I only submit to the tests because of Clint. I quit the whole thing, Avengers and all. I didn't see the point in sticking around if everyone just thought it was gonna make me turn into some kind of raging-- well raging _something_. The whole thing is Furys pet project and he watches me like a hawk. I hate it." As she finished eating, she hopped down to make her way toward the sink.

Casting a look over her shoulder, she shrugged.

"Now you know why I'm not afraid of you. I'm hard to kill and I'm pretty sure if we went toe to toe? I'd give you a run for your money before you put me down." In truth she had no goddamn way to know that and she knew it.

Her intent though wasn't to spout anything but something that was going to put him at ease. She watched as he fought back a laugh before giving up and letting it break his lips and Bobbi smiled.

She'd listened to everything the other day but she wasn't about to pull him on any of it; she'd done her own research into The Winter Soldier and into Sergeant James Barnes and she found herself understanding why he hadn't wanted to be found. She'd felt that way herself after everything that had happened and she'd gone off the grid for a little while herself in an effort to avoid absolutely everyone and everything and while she wasn't in a mess anywhere near as extreme as he was, she knew how it felt to just want to disappear because you hated yourself. She needed time to get her head together too. She'd needed time to assess herself and come to her own realisation that she wasn't dangerous.

"Lets just hope that never happens." He responded lightly.

"What I just told you? No one knows. No one but Fury and Clint." She'd asked both of them not to say a word.

It wasn't their story to tell and it wasn't their hell to live with, it was hers and she hadn't had a choice in what had happened to her but she had a damn choice in who knew about it. She had a choice who found out just how damaged she was and if she could help it, she'd put off everyone else finding out for as long as she could; she didn't want them to act like she, too, was something to be feared. She'd had enough of that to last her a lifetime; it was why she did her own thing for the most part. She didn't have to deal with the worry that way; these people had become the closest thing she had to family aside from her brother and she didn't want them to act like she was a freak, too. She knew that none of these people were exactly normal but, a Superhuman with weird abilities that so far no one knew the extent of? Yeah, that was gonna make people wary.

"Your secret is safe with me." Bucky replied as she walked back over.

With some damp paper towels in her hand, Bobbi did her best to clean the mess on her face and he found himself calm once again. He hadn't really known what to expect with any of these people and the last time the two of them had been in the same place, she'd been preoccupied; he knew that she'd done it so that she didn't listen to what was going on around her though he had no doubt that she'd taken it all in anyway. It was a spy thing, but she hadn't commented on any of it or interjected and he knew from just this brief conversation that she wasn't going to use what she'd learned for anything, not anything she'd learned then or anything she may learn tonight.

She seemed like one of the few genuine people he'd met that had any ties to SHIELD. It was surprising really, though he was glad for that because he had a feeling they'd have to be in the same place at some point or another; their respective significant others were best friends after all.

"Do you get a sugar craving after every mission or is today an exception?" This time, it was his turn to go and clean his bowl.

"Oh, I'm always hungry. Usually I'll call in a pizza and watch some lame movie until I fall asleep so I don't have to wake Clint but honestly? I'm way too wired." She was fidgeting with the clip on her holster.

He noted though that for his peace of mind the moment she noticed that he'd seen it, she disarmed to show him she really did mean no harm. He appreciated that.

She wasn't used to just sitting and talking to someone about all of this regardless of how her bravado would say otherwise; she wasn't the only person that had been trained to read people. He'd gone through more extensive training than she had, he'd been taught to assess a target in order to expose and root out weaknesses but she wasn't a target. She'd already told him she wasn't his enemy and she'd proved that by telling him something that no one knew about her. She'd trusted him when she didn't have to. She moved this time to sit on the same chair she'd thrown her vest on after moving it and she drew her knees up to curl them underneath of her.

"Then I'll give you some company." He replied, taking a seat next to a coffee table and he kicked up his feet reclining back easily.

"Not necessary, honestly. I'm good." she smiled.

"Yeah well, you're the only other person around here awake and I'm not sleeping anytime soon." the old soldier shrugged.

Bobbi seemed to appreciate the sentiment because she shrugged her shoulders and let out a small laugh. She wasn't going to make him stick around if he was tired and wanted to sleep but when she'd had a particularly trying few days she tended not to sleep so well; it had been like that for years now. She was glad she healed quickly though. She passed the paper towels that she'd bunched up into a ball between her hands. He found himself liking Bobbi Morse. She was easy to talk to.

That was why he didn't mind talking to her about about everything and yet nothing at all until almost 5 when he told her he should get back to Natasha before she woke and wondered where he was; he had promised her after all that he'd be there when she woke. Tonight really hadn't been what he'd planned after his time with Nat, but he was glad for it; he'd made a new friend and he was thankful for the chance to know that not everyone around here was worried he was going to lose it at any second.

After all, she could, too.

As he made his way back toward the elevator he heard Bobbi stand up.

"Oh and FYI? Your shirt is on backward." She jibed playfully as she made her way over to the elevator to no doubt go and see her husband.

Bucky just laughed.


	7. I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback!
> 
> Marrakech, Natasha finds The Winter Soldier but can she find James Barnes? It won't go smoothly and she knows it. For all she knows, he could end her life there and then so why is she going in unarmed and with no backup?
> 
> Because she's the Famous Black Widow; she never has a plan and she doesn't need anyone to save her ass.

It had been a hard goddamn few weeks; she'd trekked pretty much everywhere she could think of that'd make him retrace any memories that he may or may not be getting back and in truth, she had started to wonder if she knew him as well as she thought she did. Natasha Romanov had spent decades with the infamous assassin but she'd also spent decades with the man behind him too, and she found herself wondering now if during those decades she hadn't learned as much as she thought she had.

She knew she had to find him; she knew just who was out there trying to do the same and it seemed like her finding him was the better option. She'd been on her way back to Tokyo when she'd remembered the story that he'd told her once and she remembered the significance of it in a way that she hadn't back when he'd told her and so, she'd turned her exhausted ass in a whole different direction and by morning, she landed in Marrakech looking altogether worse than she'd have liked.

But it didn't take her all that long to ask the locals about a newcomer to the village; it had been startlingly easy to find him from that point onward but then, few would know that this would be a place that he'd run to. So few knew the fleeting memories he had of his childhood and she found herself glad for that now. She was surprised though that Steve hadn't thought of it yet. She'd have known by now if Rogers had found him she was sure. The small house looked cosy and that brought a gentle smile to her features; she hadn't brought any weapons with her but then she had no intentions of this being a fight and if it wound up being that, she wasn't going to shoot her way out of it.

She opened the door slowly and immediately she noted the gun trained dead in the middle of her chest; Natasha held up her hands to show him that she wasn't armed and did a full turn around to prove it.

"I'm not here to hurt you, James." Bucky seemed so impersonal; she knew him as James.

His eyes remained fixed on her; she noted the flicker immediately. He placed the gun down on the table but it was still close enough for him to grab within a split second - if that - if he wanted to and his hands found his head; she could tell that he was dealing with the same splitting headaches that she knew came with the programming wearing off and the meds that they pumped into you finally leaving your system; she knew how painful it was. She remembered it all too well.

James Barnes studied the redhead; this was probably the sixth time that he'd seen her and he had no goddamn idea why after all of the times he'd came close to seriously hurting her she persisted in coming back within any goddamn range of him or his ability to hurt her; she seemed almost foolish. He scoffed and rolled his eyes at her. 

"You really are an idiot." he watched her through his fingers.

"No, I'm just someone that knows you well enough to track you." She replied, shrugging her shoulders.

She refused to let his comment get to her. Bucky allowed his hands to fall into his lap as he watched her. She seemed too relaxed to be around him; it was like she didn't realise how dangerous he was and that provoked a humorless laugh and he shook his head. He had no idea why she thought that she'd be safe. He could distinctly remember having her pinned by the throat. He could have crushed her larynx with an effortless squeeze of his metallic arm and she had seemed at the time to be aware of that; maybe he'd been giving her too much credit though. He shook his head before rolling his eyes.

_They don't own us, James; we have each other._

The words sprang into his head and he felt like it had been a punch to his stomach. He almost doubled over. His hand shot to his head again as he felt a sharp, awful stab of pain as confusing, distorted images rushed through his head.

_You must always be aware of your target, Natalia._

His metallic hand flexed. The image of a girl no older than seventeen sprang into his head; the moonlight hung above her head and she watched the city down below her that even at the late hour seemed far too alive; it was almost like there was no peace there and he had a distinct feeling that he'd hated the lack of quiet. 

_Happy birthday, Little Spider._

His voice. That was his voice.

He had never said those words; he didn't know this woman. He pushed up off of the chair and sent it cascading into the wooden ground with a thud hard enough to have dust flying up around his boots. His hair was unruly and he hadn't had a shave in-- well he couldn't even remember. He couldn't remember pretty much anything. 

"You-- I--" He couldn't form words.

He spun so that his back was toward her and he walked over to the small window at the back of the room and he flung open the shutters like all of a sudden, all of the air had been sucked from the room. He sucked in a deep breath of warm, humid night air and immediately he regret his decision; it was always so hot here. The nights started to get colder the later it got but it was barely past 7. He glanced back toward the discarded food on the table and he sighed. 

"If you're here for _him _you're wasting your time, I don't remember. I don't remember who the hell Bucky is." He paced now.

He found it hard to stay still these days. His nerves were still on high alert and he couldn't get the thought out of his head that he'd have to run at any given moment and it would seem that it was a thought he should listen to, too. She'd tracked him down somehow and that naturally provoked a thought that others could, too. He thought he'd been careful but apparently he hadn't been careful enough. He didn't have any goddamn idea who she was but at the same time, he had a nagging feeling that he _did. _He knew her just like he knew Steve somehow but it was just fractured images in his head that made no sense. Distorted moments that for all he knew could be yet another implant. He had no idea what was even real anymore.

She could be another agent of theirs for all he knew. He reached for the gun again and this time he pointed it straight at her head. She didn't even flinch.

"If you want to shoot me go right ahead but I'm willing to stake my life on the fact that there's something in you right now screaming Don't. Even if you don't understand it." She was hedging her bets on a whole hell of a lot of uncertainty.

Natasha knew that though. She'd known when she decided to start looking for him that there would be risks; she'd known that she'd have to be prepared for an attack or for him lashing out. She knew that she'd have to prepare for the fact that she may find no traces at all of the man that she loved at all but it was a price she was willing to pay to see if she was wrong and if he was still in there. She studied him cautiously, for just a moment her eyes flicked to the gun in his hand before she released a sigh.

"How did you find me here?" He hissed; he didn't trust her in the slightest but she was right.

There was a voice screaming in his head telling him not to take that shot.

"You'll figure that out soon and you'll know then that you can trust me." She replied softly. 

He'd told her that story on one of their extended missions and she hoped like hell that she was right and that he would remember; he studied her with empty eyes and that broke her heart more than she wanted to admit, even to herself. Natasha released a deep sigh. She'd have to go back sometime soon and she'd have to help Steve look for someone that she'd already found once while pretending that she knew nothing; she'd forgotten how exhausted it was to lead this double life. She wanted to reach out to Clint but she knew that he'd try to save her.

She didn't need saving.

"That isn't an answer!" he bit back.

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Yes, it is. You're going to figure it out when your memories start to come back, James." She was adamant about that fact.

She couldn't face the possibility of the other option. She couldn't face the possibility that he'd been under for that long that there was nothing at all left in there of the man that she'd known or the man that she'd fallen in love with all those years ago; she wished that she could have saved him the way that Clint had saved her and she had tried. She'd tried like hell but they weren't easy to find and she had to be careful or she'd end up right back where she'd started, if they didn't put her down first and everyone that had tried to help her would be dead along the way. She was faced with an impossible choice and one that she hadn't learned to settle with even now.

"James." he repeated the name.

"Sergeant James Barnes." She informed him gently.

"And someday soon, soldat? You're going to remember that." she shrugged.

Walking toward him so that the gun was pressed dead to the center of her forehead, Natasha allowed the smallest ghost of a smile to make its way onto her lips. She reached out to brush a tendrel of his messy hair out of his face. His arm shot out immediately and closed around her throat but she showed absolutely no fear; she simply stood with her green eyes fixed on his tired blue. Her heart and her breathing remained steady even as he tightened his grip a little bit. She let him stay like that for a moment before she reached out to grab his wrist with her hand, applying pressure to the tendon and causing him to release his grip.

"When you figure it all out? You'll know where to find me." Oh, she hoped.

"If we don't meet again before then." She added, turning on her heel as she walked out of the small house and into the quickly darkening night.

That was a whole hell of a lot harder than she thought it was going to be, massaging her throat she fought back the urge to scream.


	8. Like wounded soldiers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to Steve, Natasha reminds herself that their friendship can be saved but her world may very well not be as lucky. 
> 
> \-- This ends this part & the thing will continue in part three with a collection of past dribbles in part 2 you can check out and let me know in the comments if there's a part you want me to elaborate on etc in a separate thing! --

"You've been avoiding me."

Steve. Shit.

His voice was soft and yet filled with concern.

He looked hurt and almost immediately, Natasha felt bad; she had but she had hoped that he wouldn't notice anything because the last few days they'd both been busy with other things and she'd hoped that the fact that they hadn't exactly had much time to catch up wouldn't lead to him realising that she had indeed been avoiding him; it wasn't that she didn't want to talk to him she just didn't know how to face him after the other day. She couldn't stand the disappointment in his eyes; she'd worked damn hard to earn the respect of Steve Rogers and to lose it in a breath was just cruel.

Even for her.

God, when did she start feeling this much? She rolled her eyes at herself.

"No." She lied. 

Steve rose a brow, he clearly didn't believe her.

"You can lie better than that, Nat." Steve knew that from firsthand experience. He winced at the thought.

"I thought you could use some space." she conceded, releasing a sigh.

Steve assessed the redheaded spy with a soft look of worry on his features; his blue eyes held a lot of concern in them and in truth she appreciated it. Steve was one of the few people that she knew genuinely cared about her; they'd nearly died together more than a few times over the years but that wasn't why he'd earned her respect nor her his. That had been hard won through time and toil alike and she cared about him. He was probably the closest thing that Natasha had outside of Clint to a real friend. She'd known all along that he was connected to Bucky just as much as she was but that had never entered into the equation; she was glad though that she hadn't been the one sent to bring him in. She wasn't sure she could have been able to hold it all back at that point.

But then Natasha had been a different person. She had been somewhat more brutally honest and straight to the point back then; more determined to show SHIELD what a valuable agent she could be rather than a liability but times had changed since then and she'd learned after everything that had happened that they needed them more than they needed SHIELD. It had always been reliant on its agents and their ability to keep their heads above the water but they'd long since drowned thanks to her and a hell of a lot had changed, especially since New York. And since DC if she was going to be honest with herself. 

SHIELD was determined to bounce back though; that was the thing with intelligence agencies: You could kick them but they never stayed down.

"I talked with Bucky, though no doubt you already know that."

He had a soft smirk on his features as he walked over to sit down next to her.

"Yeah, he might've mentioned something." Natasha replied trying not to sigh.

He likely knew damn well that James had told her everything.

She'd been practised at composing herself, but she found herself feeling strangely exposed and naked and she wasn't sure how she felt about that; when she'd stood there and given him that file she'd been wracked with guilt because there was so much more she could have told him that would have made his job so much easier but the part of her that still held to her own past wanted to know just how much of the good parts of it were still salvageable. She wanted to know if there was even a point in Steve looking for him or if what was left of Bucky wasn't something that could be brought back by absolutely anything. It was worth it for both of them if she just went it alone and tracked him down for her own peace of mind and to stop Steve, if necessary, from finding him if it came to that. 

Thankfully though it hadn't. She swivelled to face Steve with her legs crossed in front of her on the cold marble bench. Her red hair was tied back out of her face because she'd been running for the last 45 minutes simply to give herself some clarity; even this morning her body felt like jello and her mind was troubled, her dream about Marrakech had thrown her through a loop but true to his word, he'd been there when she'd woken up and so it made the blow at least a little less; it brought her comfort to have him to turn to when she felt herself being lost in her own head again. She didn't seek comfort all that often, not from anyone but who they were in the privacy of their own space was for them to know and them only. 

"Y'know, he befriended Bobbi last night." Natasha informed Steve with a soft amused tone.

"Oh, I bet Clint's gonna _love _that one." Steve replied as a laugh broke his lips.

She was deflecting. He reached out to pat her knee. His face contorted as a memory hit him and he groaned.

"I kissed my best friends wife." He muttered, the red blush that hit his cheeks had her laughing.

Loudly and very enthusiastically, too. She hadn't really put much stock into any of that on account of them running for their lives and all, but things had become far more complicated since then. She couldn't find the words at first to respond to what he'd said and instead, Natasha fell against the window and laughed. It had been one of those things that had been necessary to avoid the team that was sent to bring them in and probably execute them so she felt pretty certain that Bucky wasn't going to hold it against any of them but it seemed to bother Steve. As she stopped laughing - sort of - she gave him a sympathetic look.

"It's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine with it." And she erupted into another fit of laughter.

Steve shot her a glare and she tried to compose herself again. 

"You can drop the wife-thing by the way."

There was still a little laughter in her voice as she spoke.

Several long, deep breaths later and she at least didn't look like she was about to burst out laughing again right away. There were still so many things that Steve wanted to know but for now, he could bury it even though now he felt awkward as all hell. Goddammit. 

"Is it real?" He questioned. 

"The marriage-thing, you mean?" She asked. 

He nodded.

"I guess. I mean, we did use our legal names." She shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm guessing he didn't tell you how that came about?" 

"No, I mean-- we talked about a lot of stuff but not that." Steve offered her a small smile.

"We were on an extended mission in Italy, posing as a couple looking for the perfect venue to get married in so we could snoop around the vineyard to find a file that some Italian mob boss had on a business owner that didn't wanna pay out anymore; the job took a hell of a lot longer than we'd planned because it turns out he didn't keep anything there but at his home; breaking in with the amount of security he had was too much of a risk so we had to do it the hard way: We had to gain his trust."

It was clear from her tone that she hadn't been particularly thrilled about that either.

"So, time flies around and before we know it, we're stood in front of a priest and our wedding party is gonna be at this guys house. James comes to see me about 15 minutes before the ceremony is due to start and I expected him to tell me he'd gotten the files and we were out, but he stood there and he asked me if I wanted to make it real. He told me if we did it properly, if we used our real names and we signed the documents as us? We'd have something real. Something they couldn't just make go away so easily; we knew we'd have to make a fake certificate for their sakes but, we did the real thing as us. He asked me to marry him for real by asking me exactly that: to make it real."

"One of the very _many _skills I have is as a forger; it wasn't hard to make something up that looked genuine enough to pass."

It was hardly the romantic proposal that most people wanted.

But this wasn't normal people. This was James Barnes and Natalia Romanova. They weren't normal people, back then they were barely people at all unless they were together. It hadn't been as long then, the programming wasn't quite as deeply set and they hadn't wiped any of them as many times in such quick succession as he'd been wiped in the last few years. That was why his mind was as frazzled as it had because they'd screwed with him that many times in such a short space of time. She felt another pang of guilt.

"So, you really _are _Mrs. Barnes?" Steve seemed far too amused.

She shot out her hand to dig him in the ribs. 

"No! I mean yes but no." That was confusing even to her.

She rolled her eyes and moved so that she had one leg on either side of the bench and laid back. In truth she didn't know how she felt about any of it; she'd forgotten that they'd decided to do that and that at least a part of what they'd done that day was for real; she knew that they'd receive punishment for it if their handlers ever found out about it and her body tensed up at the thought.

She closed her eyes and she remembered being back there in that hell; two men, one on each side of her and they both had a hold of her arms; pulling her backward they slammed her into the cryotube and pinned her into it by her throat as they jabbed a needle into her neck and she screamed _No, no, no... _Over and over but it made no difference. Her hands shot up but they were pinned back down immediately and buckled into her restraints, the ring pulled from her finger was shoved into someones pocket.

And it all went dark. Natasha came around with panicky breaths shaking her body.

She hadn't been back there in a long time, not in public at least; she did quite a lot of the time in her dreams but she hadn't done it in public since her early days at SHIELD and Clint had been right there beside her to remind her that she was free and that he wouldn't let them hurt her again. He was always so fiercely protective over her since he'd managed to convince a wayward young assassin that he could help her. 

Steve reached out. Natasha flinched.

"Where'd you go?" He questioned, trying not to sound too hurt.

"Back." She replied with a shaky breath.

There had been enough lies lately. She didn't need to lie to him anymore than she already had; Steve deserved better than that after everything that had transpired lately. She knew that going behind his back and lying to him all these years had taken its toll and would probably affect their friendship in ways that she hadn't intended but it was to be expected really. She had kept a huge secret from him about someone he cared for; she had no right to expect him to be anything less than pissed about it.

Steve didn't do outwardly pissed, not even when he was faced with what they'd done to Bucky. She couldn't understand how he kept his composure; she'd been outright furious about it but then, she hadn't shown it.

She'd always been a damn good liar.

"I haven't around anyone from my past for this long in a long time, I guess all of this stirred up a lot more than I thought." 

She wasn't okay with admitting that in the slightest.

"You're okay. They won't hurt you again; we won't let them." He reminded her with a soft smile.

She held out her hand, asking him to help her up though she was more than capable of sitting up on her own and he obliged with a gentle laugh. The redhead released a sigh and shook her head; sometimes Steve Rogers sounded a lot like Clint Barton when he wasn't being arrogant and snarky anyway. Clint had a softer side.

"Clint says the same." She offered Steve a small smile.

"Well, as irritating as Barton is? He's right."

He could tell that Natasha was trying to deflect again and he frowned; he'd sort of started to come to terms with the fact that he'd probably never ever get to know the whole truth about her. She'd always keep certain things to herself and she'd lie when she felt it necessary to do so because he got the feeling there were certain things in her past that she didn't want anyone to know no matter who they were and he was just going to have to accept that. It would likely be the same with Bucky but he didn't have to like it. He wouldn't push either one of them because it was unfair.

He couldn't even begin to understand what they'd been through.

"Tony is due back, Nat." Steve spoke again.

She'd been dreading that almost as much as she'd been dreading talking to Steve, almost. She wasn't as close with Tony as she was with Steve and a part of her wanted to swear that she didn't care what he had to say but in truth, she knew she had to care. She knew that there was no way in hell they were going to get through this as the team they'd fought so hard to keep together if she couldn't bring him around, too. Her persuasions had always been far less effective on Tony and while she had no doubt she could successfully plead her case to Pepper (Not that Natasha ever pled for anything) she didn't want to go around Tony and bring his Fiancee into this. That was a cheap shot and one that she'd never take. 

Instead, she let out a slow sigh.

"Then I guess its time for me to face the wolves."

Tony would be pissed, she had no doubt about that. She knew how he felt about Bucky, she knew just how much he despised him and how angry he was at both her and Steve alike for lying to him about his parents death and Bucky's involvement. She knew just how angry he was going to be once he learned the truth about her but he'd sworn everything he'd done was to protect the people he loved, surely he could give her an exception for doing what she had to to protect the people she loved, too.

It couldn't be a one way street.

He couldn't ask for exception that he wouldn't grant others. 

"Then lets go face the wolves."

Steve offered her a smile and Natasha felt comforted by that, but this wasn't Steve's fight it was hers and they both knew it. She had to face this on her own and in her own way and hope like hell that she wasn't going to push someone she did care for - despite their differences - to his breaking point. Tony might have been a huge pain in the ass to her over the years but he was still her friend. She still cared. She still didn't want to see him hurt and she sure as hell wasn't okay with being the cause of any potential pain he may suffer when they'd all been through more than enough.

"No, this one I need to face alone." She patted Steves hand as she stood up.

She cast one look back over her shoulder before she headed back into the facility knowing all too well that everything that they'd worked so hard for could fall down around their heads now and it might just be all her fault.


End file.
